September 2001

I’ve been to Toledo, Massachusetts, Vermont, New York City then back to Toledo on the 10^th of September.  On Tuesday, September 11^th 2001, I woke up in my old room on Baybrook Ln. to a phone call from Newbold telling me to turn on the television.  I had just seen the World Trade Center with my own eyes the day before so it was difficult to believe that both towers had collapsed in a terrorist attack.  Rescuers are still going through the rubble and will be for weeks I imagine.  

Brad was in Toledo the night that Matt, Eddie (bass player) and I got back from New York.  We all went out to eat then said our goodbyes because Brad was flying back to Camp Lejeune early the next morning.  Eddie and I saw a taping of Conan O’Brien on September 5^th…the Rock was on the show.  In Germany I began reading Angel Fire East by Terry Brooks on Fritz’ bus then finished it in New York…the third and final “Demon” book.  It was cool.  The next book I plan to read is The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien which I bought at the World Trade Center two weeks ago.  I want to re-familiarize myself with the story before “Lord of the Rings” comes out.  Oh, get this:  Star Wars “Attack of the Clones” is the title of Episode II.  Hopefully I’m used to it come next May.  

The Lions started the ’01 season with a bad loss to Green Bay.  They were supposed to play Dallas tomorrow but the NFL cancelled all games this weekend.  This is their last season in the Silverdome.  I’d like to see one last game there.  I hadn’t heard from Vice since last year so I’m glad I just answered the phone.  He’s moving to Washington where his girlfriend lives.  

In Belgium I met Connie, Tiffany and Gini.  They came to a bunch of our shows over there.  They’re really cool.  Tiffany and Eddie hit it off and the last I heard she is going to be staying with him this week while she visits Nashville.  Ross is out of the hospital after a couple scares and doing good with his mom’s kidney.  Well, I’ve learned something about myself…I care about this country.  I care about all countries.  Do I care enough to defend them?  That’s an option…I hope.

August 2001

Looking back…all the way back to April 12^th 2001.  August 4^th 2001 is the date.  I’m back in Nashville…at Wayne’s apartment.  I start back at the frame shop in the morning…after three of the longest months in my life.  What do I write?  I guess I can say that I owe it all to Amy-Jayne and Patrick McCabe…and Matt for getting me the gig.  Two tours down, one to go…maybe.  Just before leaving for Egypt and Jordan in June, Dan, the awesome guitar player, backed out of the gig after being unimpressed with our performance at the Music City Marathon.  It was pretty bad.  Duane had his passport in the mail to Amy-Jayne immediately!  Dread turned to excitement.  

Somewhere in there I drove out to San Diego with Chris…stopping at the Grand Freakin’ Canyon…aka, the Damn Canyon!  Wayne and I get along good.  He got me a portable freakin’ DVD player for my 24^th birthday!  The DVD library has begun.  He also set up a surprise birthday dinner at the Bound’ry with Kathy and Joani.  I stood on the Great Pyramids of Giza!  It took three weeks to get over the stomach illness.  I went swimming, or I should say floating, in the Dead Sea in the middle of the night! 

Kathy moved to North Carolina and Joani has a new boyfriend.  I thought of Joani quite a bit in Norway because most of the girls are tall, blonde and attractive.  I haven’t heard from Ashley in a while.  I believe she’s seeing someone too.  For a week or two in June she had me thinking of her and how cool she was being quite a bit.  She got a book from Egypt out of it anyhow.  But honestly, she had taken an interest in me but I managed to help her lose it.  I guess I just failed to impress her…or maybe the fact that I felt as if I needed to impress her made me lose interest?  Nonsense.  The truest thing I ever wrote was “neither girl suites me.”  

Oh, how I wish I mailed my last van payment this morning.  August 21^st is the date for Ross’ kidney transplant!  He’s in good spirits.  That’s right, Duane has been Amy-Jayne’s guitar player for nearly three months now.  I bought a “Flat” drum set so it would be easier to travel with.  30+ gigs later I stand by that decision.  Well Wayne just got home.  I’m going to go chat with him on the couch as usual…

April 2001

SUNDAY APRIL 1^ST 2001

I kissed a beautiful girl tonight!  I was going to write “April Fools” but is it really necessary?  I can’t find words right now.  I am VERY irritable!  I am mad at myself for EVER being nervous about ANYTHING!  Do I think I am that inferior?  Yes I do.  I don’t but I do.  I mean, I’m not but I am.  I haven’t been very positive at all lately.  I could write about the events of my day but I feel like I owe this book a little more nonsense first.  Blah!  I was on time this morning.  Amy-Jayne called me back!  It looks like I am in but I’m still uncertain.  She is bringing me the material to learn on Tuesday.  Reading this entry I will remember nothing of this day.  Heather has been struggling to write up some stuff for her application to be promoted in New York.  She made the mistake of asking my negative opinion.

MONDAY APRIL 2^ND 2001

I kissed a beautiful girl tonight!  The bottle just happened to stop pointing in my direction.  I slept in until 2:30pm then went with Heather to transfer her gym membership to my name.  I played drums for some time then put on a tie and running pants and went with Matt to see Marty perform downtown.  I sat in a crowded little pub feeling out of place as people played Christian songs they had written.  “I Love the Lord” was Marty’s grand finale.  Free food.  Afterward we went to a girl’s apartment that Matt works with.  After catching the end of “Muppets in Space” we played the Chinese version of spin the bottle.  Bing…Boom…Bong…Wa.  It took me a while to catch on to the rules.  I have a headache from so much laughter.  I was miserable after being forced to take a shot of vodka that accidentally went into my nasal passage.  I wasn’t miserable when I had to kiss a really pretty Chinese girl.  She didn’t seem too thrilled though.  Much fun.

TUESDAY APRIL 3^RD 2001

When I got to work today there was a Post-it note waiting for me from Amy-Jayne.  She wrote in pencil that she forgot to bring the CDs and will see about dropping them off on Thursday.  But that’s not exactly what the Post-it said by the time I read it.  It said “…see about ‘jacking you’ off on Thursday.”  When I looked up in disbelief David and Rhonda lost it.  They had been watching me read the note to see my reaction to their handy work.  I’ll really miss ‘em.  I really didn’t want to leave when Joani came in at 5pm.  Heather made taco salad tonight and I watched “Copycat” on TV.  I’m curious about what makes people kill.  Oh, I was flustered talking to David about religion today.  My conclusion is that I should never open my mouth about my beliefs or lack-there-of to anyone who is certain of their faith.  “Keep your God to yourself.”  Since I’m writing to myself I can continue…but I won’t.

WEDNESDAY APRIL 4^TH 2001

My alarm went off every 9 minutes from 10am to 11am and I really didn’t know what world I was in.  Heather had planned on sleeping in but my alarm ruined that.  I’m a jerk.  The frame shop is behind schedule but today was relaxing.  David, Rhonda and I watched a “Frame Magic” video.  I’m already familiar with the program from the Toledo store.  I got off at 5pm and went to Kathy and Joani’s to help Kathy move some boxes for a friend.  Joani had just had an emotional phone conversation but her tears went away as we all talked for a bit.  She seemed completely comfortable telling me how good of a kisser I was in her dream the other night.  My goodness!  My thoughts were consumed as I went around town with Kathy to a storage place, her grandfather’s house, the Post Office, here, Fazoli’s, Green Hills Mall and finally back to her house where Joani was having yet another emotional phone conversation.  Again her tears subsided as we joked around.  When Joani asked why I never have a girlfriend, Kathy said something about how I think I am too dull.  We had recently had a conversation where I concluded to that.  Joani said that she thinks I am a “real catch”.  I told her she sounds like my mom.  Then she continued to say that my mom doesn’t want to make out with me and have dreams about it.  The next thing I know we were on the couch…looking at photographs.  Then her boyfriend showed up and I headed out.  When I say my thoughts were consumed it wasn’t as much about the dream as it was Joani’s emotions.  I have the urge to attach our brains.  So with my thoughts spinning around Joani and how I wish circumstances were a bit different, I came home and talked to Heather.  She had met Kathy earlier tonight and they were both giggly.  I guess that’s what girls do when they like each other.  Weird.  All Heather could say when I got home was that Kathy was pretty and I should forget about dating Joani.  I agree with both statements.  She also thinks I should ask Kathy out.  I can’t!  I just don’t see her that way.  I can’t help who I am attracted to.  I’m a jerk!  Oh well, I am too stubborn to be otherwise.

FRIDAY APRIL 6^TH 2001

It is 2pm and I am sitting on a rock in the middle of a stream that runs along the property of Biltmore Place apartments.  A rather large turtle buried itself in the muck when I disrupted its peaceful afternoon.  I have to be to work in one hour!  Though I would rather just sit and take in the life around me, I must make a record of happenings on April 5^th.  I woke up at 11am and felt under par so I went back to bed.  It wasn’t until 4pm that I gathered enough strength to pull myself from sleep.  A few days ago while driving around with Heather I saw a guy picking up litter on the side of the road.  I determined that on my day off I would do the same.  The area just past the tunnel on Murfreesboro Road was a disaster.  It is now lovely.  An old man on a bike gave me the thumbs up making me feel pretty good.  I hope someone else gets the same notion I got by seeing someone cleaning up.  I’ve always complained about litter so I might as well do something about it.  I’ve found other areas that are in severe need but I underestimated how much trash it takes to fill a garbage bag.  I plan to do this often but you know how you are with plans.  When it got dark I came in and played drums for a long delightful time.  It was so comfortable outside that I couldn’t stay in any longer.  I got in the van without a destination.  Fishies!  I drove away from town until I was on a semi-desolate road then I parked and explored some wooded areas after my eyes adjusted to the dark.  I got a ways in and came across some barbed wire.  After I crossed it I realized that if I had to escape for any reason it wouldn’t be a good idea to have barbed wire between me and my vehicle.  I found a new way to get back to town then I looked for the highest hill to maybe get a view.  I found a road that had been fenced off but the fence was smashed down so I proceeded.  I parked in a small junkyard and walked through some more woods but there wasn’t a clearing to see the city in the distance.  It was pretty eerie.  I enjoyed myself.  Shopping at Walmart had never seemed so…odd.  I guess it’s because I knew that no one there had ever been…nor intended to go where I had just been.  Am I going mad?  Am I having Montana withdrawal?  Is that why I am on this rock unaware of the time?  I should go soon.  Here’s proof of my madness:  Whenever I drive down Haywood Lane I pass Nicole’s street.  I have never felt up to turning down it to see where she lives but last night was an exception.  I wonder what her dad’s reaction would be if I crashed their swimming pool?  It is accessible right from the road.  No worries.  Tonight I enjoyed yet another musical adventure at Josh and Robin’s after work.

SATURDAY APRIL 7^TH 2001

I blame this journal for my nervousness toward girls I’ve written about.  Nothing happened today to make me say this but it might be true.  I’ll prove that theory wrong once I’m done writing in here but there won’t be a record of it.  Before I fall asleep I’ll write of my day.  I was on time at 9am to open shop.  I counted down the hours until Joani arrived at 1pm.  The first thing she asked was if I had any plans tonight.  I was about to fly…then she asked if I would mind working her shift.  Crash landing.  On my extended lunch break I went to OfficeMax to get a pen refill…and other reasons.  No one knew anything of Nicole.  Sorry journal.  Looks like that one is going to go unanswered.  I would probably faint if I saw her anyhow.  After closing shop Kathy went with me to Matt and Marty’s where we watched “The Dance of the Yeti”.  Duane is in town.  I hung out with him and Mack the Knife at Wayne’s.

SUNDAY APRIL 8^TH 2001

My straining eyeball!  I’ve dumbly decided to stop wearing glasses.  Why?  They are irritating when it is hot and sunny.  I had a lousy day.  I was late for work then once I was there Lisa tried to point out and correct my every flaw.  I appreciate her concern but I am too stubborn to take advice.  Seems like I should explain…but I won’t.  I can hardly see what I’m writing!  I sat and looked at a dumb Julia Roberts movie mindlessly when I got home from Michael’s then went to bed at 10pm.  At midnight I woke from insane dreams.  Heather was still up.  I had to convince her that the clicking noise outside her window wasn’t a scary animal eating something.  When she went to bed I watched a program about spring water in Florida then started writing this.  I am already upset that I am going to sleep through most of tomorrow.  I could determine myself to get up early but it would hurt too much.  I’m going to wear my glasses tomorrow.  This is bullshit!  How did I expect to finish reading Harry Potter without my glasses?  Oh, Amy-Jayne came in to drop off the songs I need to learn.  Kathy asked me if she seemed like someone I’d like to work for.  There isn’t a person in this world I’d “like” to work for.  I’ve been in a crap mood all day.  I have never wanted to be accompanied by a female more than now.  Who?  Exactly.  Damn I feel screwed up.

MONDAY APRIL 9^TH 2001

Ah!  Much better!  I’m off today and am at the cliffs of Percy Priest Lake.  I got up just after noon and did my laundry and learned some of the country songs wishing I were out enjoying the sun.  It is reassuring to know that my mood doesn’t depend entirely on the weather.  I had a most irritating day so far.  The sun will go behind the trees in a moment.  I’m starving so I’m going to eat this whopper, listen to the birds for a while and hope that wasp doesn’t come back.  [bye bye sun]  I always say that people in Nashville don’t know how to drive and today I proved that I am right.  I almost drove some lady off the road!  The first thing I did after driving like a Southerner was wash the van.  The dirty spots are just more obvious now.  I ran out of quarters to get the job done.  I had the urge to play basketball but I don’t have one.  At Seven Oaks Park there weren’t any games that I could pick up on but there were enough people to make me not want to be there.  So I decided to just park my van in its usual spot back at the apartment.  I was going to get a towel and lay out on top of the van but I smacked my head going down the steps and was in no mood.  I always make sure to duck…no…usually…I usually make sure to duck.  I don’t know what got into me.  I knew there would be people here at Percy Priest but it was getting late and I didn’t have time to look for a more peaceful place to write.  I wanted to sit by the water but fishermen lined the shore so here I am at this stone table as visibility is getting dim.  Oh, I’m still not wearing glasses.  Do I disrespect my eyeballs?  If I get laser surgery I might as well get braces…and a nose job…and wings.  I’ll settle for a fishing pole.  It’s nearly too dark to see.  [back in my bed]  I totally forgot to mention one of the main reasons I didn’t like today.  I planned on clearing litter again but was completely discouraged when I drove by the area I cleared last week.  It was worse than before!  Does the wind blow it all to one spot?  No, it’s everywhere!  Did a garbage truck spill?  Are people really such slobs?  Oh well, back to learning country songs.

TUESDAY APRIL 10^TH 2001

Sun burn!  I woke up at noon and built up the courage to walk through the wall of bumblebees to my van.  I didn’t go anywhere.  I climbed on top and rested in the sun.  A few hours later I came into the apartment to receive a message from the office saying “we can’t have people laying on vehicles in the parking lot.”  I’m really sorry.  I appreciated Dave Matthews Band then went to work early for a change.  As the minutes went by I grew redder and redder until I was an image of pain.  Joani is so great!  She brought me aloe vera.  Oh, I had a dream about Joani last night!  It must’ve been a reaction to her saying that I’m a good kisser in her dreams.  The kiss was very dull but moving still.  I have been thinking a lot lately about how my loneliness effects the way I view things and stuff.  Isn’t that nice to know?  Anyway, the aloe felt so good when she put it on me.  No, no, I put it on myself.  It still felt good though.  I guess it is a go for this country band…at least for the Music City Marathon gig on the 28^TH of this month.  From there it will be decided if I get to go to Europe, Asia and Africa this summer.  Next week Wayne and I are driving to North Carolina to visit Brad at Camp Lejeune.  Then on the 1^ST of May Chris is renting a car and I am going to make the road trip with him to Dallas, Phoenix and finally San Diego!  I’m flying back so I don’t leave the frame shop hanging for too long…though it has been pretty slow.  I have two chapters left in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.  It should make a good movie.  I saw a clip.

WEDNESDAY APRIL 11^TH 2001

I just finished reading Harry Potter.  What a cool book!  I don’t have much else to say about it.  I seem to have an easier time writing when I take this journal on a trip.  Not much went on today and I’m ready to sleep so tomorrow, before work, I’ll find a location that may help me fill this page.

THURSDAY APRIL 12^TH 2001

I am at Fountain Estates.  It’s not as peaceful here as I thought it would be.  I feel funny sitting here on this fountain…in this cemetery.  Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.  I’m going back to my rock in the stream at the apartment.  Maybe my turtle friend will be out enjoying this gorgeous day.  [Nope]  I wonder if he heard me coming?  I can feel my sun burn getting burned right now.  Anyway, Wednesday was a typical 9 hour shift.  Maxine was closing manager and she hung out back in the frame shop telling me funny stories from when she worked for David Copperfield (the magician).  I guess he’s a pretty crappy, demanding individual.  Is anyone with good business sense crappy?  Is anyone that is not me crappy?  Is that what I’m getting at?  Oh, shut up!  People that demand service from other people are crappy.  Heather has quite a bit of stuff.  All I have is a box, a suitcase and a drum set.  Oh, and a van.  A big white van.  The ad has been in print for over a week yet no one has called.  I should probably put a “For Sale” sign in the window.  What is the difference between “God” and conscience?  Where did that come from?  Kathy says that she has been waiting for God to tell her where to go.  She feels good about Oregon so therefore that is what God wants.  I say, “What ever works for you.”  What was the point of writing that in here?  Am I just trying to fill space?  Quite possibly.  It’s time for me to get off of this rock and put on my red apron.  [after work]  Somehow I let it get late.  3:30am late!  Here’s today:  I woke up before I was ready at noon and my head wasn’t happy about it.  I went back to bed until 1pm and all was well.  I circled the city in search of a place to write.  Across the street from 100 Oaks Mall is a cemetery and I figured it would be pretty peaceful.  Nope.  I completed the circuit of Nashville by pulling back into apartment parking lot.  I had a hard time writing about yesterday because I kept wanting to write about what it was like down in the ditch on a rock.  I spent my afternoon in a ditch and I loved it!  Over the past few days I’ve thought of over a hundred things I’d like to make a record of but not one comes to mind when I hold this pen!  I had a time cutting oval glass for a customer tonight.  I’m moving into Wayne’s spare room tomorrow.  In the morning, I mean, in a few hours I expect Heather to wake me up so I can help her move the rest of her stuff in my van.  Ashley said she wanted to help but she probably won’t…she hasn’t been around for months…but the email remains consistent.  It’s raining finally.  Amy-Jayne asked for my passport info and everything so I guess it’s on.  Only one thing…she hasn’t heard me play yet.

March 2001

SATURDAY MARCH 3^RD 2001

Music!  On Wednesday I worked.  Thursday I recorded two of Ross’ songs.  They sound pretty lousy for the most part.  He’s putting bass on ‘em right now.  It’s Dave’s bass.  He called me the other day to see if I wanted to audition for a country band with him.  Of course I’m not too interested but I appreciated the offer so tonight we jammed at Josh’s house.  Josh’s friend LeRon gave me some things to think about while playing.  He’s an awesome drummer.  When I got to work today I had been thinking a lot about Joani and whether or not she thinks of me.  Then I saw the note she left for me and did what it said:  I had a good day.  Norah had lots of drama to keep me entertained.  It would be nice to write more but there’s my pillow.

FRIDAY MARCH 9^TH 2001

I can’t keep up!  Ross left this morning without any new recordings.  Chris has been here since Wednesday.  We’re going to get in the van now and drive to Toledo.  I should be back by…

TUESDAY MARCH 13^TH 2001

What should I write first?  There’s a lot to tell.  I guess I’ll write about something I’ve been thinking about lately.  Why is it necessary for me to let other people shape my life?  Every entry I write is about people.  “People need people” I wrote.  Why?  I’m no exception though sometimes I’d like to be.  Sometimes I am an exception and I enjoy my company alone but the truth is…I don’t know what the truth is.  I know that I contradict myself constantly.  Example:  At the bar, between sets, people ask me why I go sit by myself…why don’t I have fun.  I do.  I don’t need people to have fun.  What a crock!  But it’s true.  I’d like to make a record of recent experiences…most of which involve people…

THURSDAY MARCH 15^TH 2001

I put my head down after writing that last sentence.  Dave just called.  The country band parted ways and the tour that I never mentioned and never got to audition for (South Pacific, $1100 a week) is void.  One of the singers may still try to go.  I’m really just interested because I really like playing with Josh.  I need to make plans to sell my van.  I was going to let Newbold take it over for my $1000 deposit back but he wasn’t willing to pay it.  I have to go to work now.  [later]  Joani gave me her old camera!  I think I need to see a shrink.  Either that or just figure out how to stop thinking ridiculous thoughts on my own.  Thoughts such as “Joani this, Joani that…” and “Ashley this, Ashley that…”  Neither girl suites me…yet I go on trying to convince myself otherwise.  When will I meet the girl that I desire without question?  Ever?  That is not something I constantly think about but it is the reason I constantly think about the other nonsense.  I felt light headed at work today.  Retail makes me sick!  The weather this afternoon was marvelous!  After work I helped Kathy (cool Hawaiian girl, Joani’s roommate) jumpstart her car in the rain.  I like tapping on my drums here with the pads on ‘em.  They can be pretty quiet.  Oh, I visited Toledo last weekend.  I played catch with Dad, took Squirrel to Wildwood, hung out with Brian Ray, hung out with Carrie, gave Mom a ceramic Indian I bought in North Dakota, played “Act One” with Chris, Nick and Kevin and went to Michael’s to see the new frame shop.  I may work there again someday soon.  I’ve tried to contact Ty while I’m still in Nashville but she has vanished.  I work many hours the next couple days.

FRIDAY MARCH 16^TH 2001

What a kick ass good time it is jamming out at Josh and Robin’s on Friday nights!  LeRon is such a cool guy letting me use his drum set.  I was late getting there tonight because Jennifer Love Hewitt was on Leno.  I’ve been playing phone tag with Ashley for the past couple days.  I have something she wants…a frame.  Heather should be back from New York on Monday.

SATURDAY MARCH 17^TH 2001

I bought the book Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling a few weeks ago because Josh praised it highly.  I thought about starting it tonight but instead I read words I wrote one year ago.  It’s 4am!  I framed well today getting the shop three days ahead of schedule.  Off tomorrow!  Ashley came in today.  She pinched me because it’s St. Patrick’s Day and I didn’t have green on.  I guess her boyfriend isn’t really her boyfriend anymore so she’s being pretty nice to me.  I’m not getting my hopes up.  All that time trying to convince myself that she’s not someone I could be with has paid off.  I’m only writing about her because she’s a character in this book and…oh who am I kidding?  If she called and asked me to come over right now I’d be there in an instant.  Not that she would actually do that.  It’s Rossell’s birthday.  I didn’t call.  How nice of me.  His kidney is at 20% but he must be sicker to do the transplant so they can judge its progress…or something.

SUNDAY MARCH 18^TH 2001

Slept in as long as I could…which was pretty long.  The sun was shining but I didn’t take advantage of it.  I didn’t do anything that I planned to do today. I tried to justify my stupidity quite a bit.  I constantly conclude that “I am not a painter” though I want to paint.  I don’t want to be a “drummer” though I love to play.  I don’t want an area of expertise is what I’m saying.  What do you want to be when you grow up?  A kid.  I come across much more sensitive in my writing than I really am…or is it the other way around?  I wonder how these words would come across to somebody else?  I have no clean socks.

MONDAY MARCH 19^TH 2001

It’s 3:30am and I just finished doing my laundry.  Ross called a bit ago for Heather but she’s sleeping.  I wanted to talk but couldn’t think of anything to say so I went back to reading Harry Potter.  I feel bad that I told Ross we’d record while he was here but it just didn’t work out.  He probably thinks I’ve given up.  Have I?  Heather is in very high spirits about moving to New York.  I hope things really are as good as she hopes they’ll be.  The airport sounds like it is 10 feet from my window!  I am liking the book so far.  It is more or less a children’s book so it is right at my level.  Oh, I got Grandma’s newsletter and I talked to Mom.  Kevin is in San Diego visiting Matt.

TUESDAY MARCH 20^TH 2001

I’ve decided to write this entry at the start of the day.  In other words:  This is a prediction of how today will go by.  At 9:30am I awoke to a knock at the door.  It was the electricians here to fix the outlet in the hall.  They turned all of the power off so my alarm was no longer set for 11:30am.  Chris called from San Diego to tell me that he, Kevin and Murnen will have a layover in Nashville from 2pm to 5pm.  I called work to see if I can go hang out with them for that time.  No problem.  I still have to be to Michael’s at 1pm so David and Rhonda can take their break.  It is noon now.  Ashley just called and we talked for a while.  She is trying to be simple she says…which makes her all the more complicated.  It seems as if she is finally completely in the friend zone.  At work a beautiful girl came in and gave me her phone number.  I picked up Chris, Kevin and Murnen at the airport then we went driving through the secret underground tunnels.  Someone had planted a bomb under the capitol building but I cut the correct wire just in time.  Then we ate at Cracker Barrel.  After work Ashley came over and I found that I was mistaken about the “friend zone” thing.  I would like to spend more time with the bullshit prediction but I must be on my way to work.  [later]  We ate at TGI Friday’s at Opry Mills not Cracker Barrel.  I followed Kathy home after work because she was afraid that her car would stall in the rain.  It didn’t.  Oh, Heather is moving out on April 15^th (Easter Sunday).  I will be staying with Wayne for a bit.  I’m not worried about locking my door.  He’s harmless.

WEDNESDAY MARCH 21^ST 2001

I’ve been content lately.  Rather carefree.  My nose has been itchy though.  I didn’t have to be to Michael’s until 3pm today.  I was scheduled at 1pm but we had to cut back hours.

FRIDAY MARCH 23^RD 2001

The sun is so bright that I can’t make out the sculptures on the Parthenon.  I can see two people making out though.  Get a room!  I walked around Centennial Park for the past half hour looking for a place to relax in the sun and write in peace but failed to find one.  So here I sit at a picnic table directly in front of the Parthenon.  I’d like to go in and see the art but it’s too nice outside…and it costs money.  The past couple days have been typical.  I wish I would’ve gotten up before 1pm today!  Besides all of the noise, it is wonderful out here!  Yesterday I put the seats back in my van and entered it into the “Wheels and Deals” magazine.  Wayne went with me.  I threw my back out pretty bad while attempting to lift a seat on my own.  It still hurts pretty bad.  Pretty soon the shadow of the Parthenon will reach me and I will be forced to move.  The hottest girl ever just went inside!  She caught me staring!  Oops.  I guess Ashley says that I am the only person she would like to live with when the semester is over.  Last night Heather tried to convince me that I should do it but I told her how silly I am.  Ashley hasn’t mentioned it to me herself so I haven’t really considered it.  Well, I’m off to Michael’s to get paid.

SATURDAY MARCH 24^TH 2001

Norah quit today.    Rhonda had left her a rather bossy note that she didn’t appreciate one bit.  Yesterday I slept when I got home until I heard a car crash on Briley Parkway.  I went to investigate but learned nothing except that the grassy areas between exit ramps are neat to walk through.  I ended up going back to Centennial Park to a little bar called “Springwater” to see Josh and LeRon play.  I had a much more intimate visit with the Parthenon in the middle of the night.  I must wake up soon to work Norah’s shift tomorrow.  I like being hugged by Joani.  She got rear ended at a stoplight today.  The damage to her truck was pretty bad but she says she’s fine.  I was glad to hear that she and her boyfriend are talking again…then she said that she still wants to hang out with me.  I just got mad at myself for writing about this.  I’ll stop.  I need not question a friend’s intentions.  Goodnight.

SUNDAY MARCH 25^TH 2001

MONDAY MARCH 26^TH 2001

I fell asleep after writing yesterday’s date.  I worked with Lisa yesterday.  She sure likes to pry but that’s okay.  After work I went with Kathy to Applebee’s.  She got me to confess that I have feelings for her roommate.  She brought photos to work for me to see so I invited her over to the apartment to see mine.  She’s one of the most goodest peoples I’ve ever known.  This morning my alarm went off at 10am because I was planning on fixing up my van with Wayne but I was way too tired.  At 1pm I called work to tell them I’d be a little late.  David informed me that I was scheduled at 10am!  SHIT!  I worked till 4pm then went with Kathy to take pictures at the Percy Priest Dam.  We walked through some thick woods and by the time we reached the dam the sun had set.  Katya was our waitress at Ruby Tuesday’s.  It was a nice time.  I had my High School graduation gown on all day because I thought David would appreciate it.  I best be on time tomorrow.  Harry Potter is creative and amusing.

TUESDAY MARCH 27^TH 2001

I was actually on time today!  [one hour later]  Since I wrote the last sentence I’ve been thinking of what I do and don’t want to write about and how to write it or not.  I know I don’t want to write about what I’m trying not to think about.  I could write about how cool David is and how I hope to do some recordings with him before I move to I know not where.  I’m thinking about getting a globe of the earth, spinning it, closing my eyes and stopping it with my finger pointing at the location I will move to.  Today I closed at 9pm and was out of there early because Matt was closing manager.  I talked to Mom and Kevin and everything is good there.  I went to Kroger with Heather and unlocked the front door just to irritate her…she’s a fraidy cat.  I could write about the bitch at Taco Bell that wouldn’t let me have a .93 cent taco for .90 cents.  It was all I had.

THURSDAY MARCH 29^TH 2001

The past two days have been good.  Cloudy but good.  Yesterday I fixed up my van with Wayne’s help then went downtown with Heather to take photos.  It was fun.  Normal night at Michael’s.  Today I was off.  I developed my film at Walmart and got a Star Wars dude.  I can’t believe Joani gave me her old camera.  The pictures turned out decent.  I stopped at a driving range but when I got halfway to the shop I realized that I don’t have any golf clubs!  I watched the herd of snails out in the courtyard for a long time.  They don’t like when I touch them.  I enjoyed music and photos the rest of the night.  I did my laundry too.  Matt called and offered me an opportunity should it actually follow through.  Country singer, 3 countries, 2 months, $6000!  I am anxious to get the details.

FRIDAY MARCH 30^TH 2001

I was at Nicole’s house in my dream last night.  She wasn’t there but her dad was showing me around the underground tunnels he designed.  Along the way there were framed photos of Nicole here and there but in her room there were pictures of ME!  I told the dream to David at work and he thinks I should find her address and just show up.  I would really like to do that but I’m not completely crazy!  This morning there was a note telling me to stop using Heather’s soap.  I didn’t know I had been.  Oops!  Joani came in to work as I was leaving.  I was completely nervous!  What’s the deal?  I guess it’s because I know for a fact that she knows I like her yet she is unavailable…yet she still flirts with me.  She has to know that when she intentionally crashes into me I won’t easily dismiss it as merely a friendly gesture.  Maybe I am completely crazy!  Matt gave me the rundown of what this tour is all about.  I called the singer when I got home from work.  She should call me back tomorrow.  I took a nap till 10pm then went to Josh’s where I listened to them play some funky shit for hours.  I never did get to sit in on a tune.

SATURDAY MARCH 31^ST 2001 

The country lady did not call me back!  I was a half hour late for work but I figured it would be fine because Shena was there…she wasn’t.  Oops!  I took some large orders today.  I just set my clock an hour ahead.  It’s almost 3am.  I met Heather at “Hollywood 27” after work to see the new Ashley Judd movie.  Chick flick!  I just got an email from Lance Corporal Oliger.  He has hopes of being deployed to foreign lands.  I do too. 

February 2001

MONDAY FEBRUARY 12^TH 2001

It’s been more than two weeks since I last wrote.  I’ll start from the beginning…of the end.  The plan was to leave after the Super Bowl party at Kelly’s house.  I watched the first half here while I packed my suitcase then I walked to Denny’s down the road to eat with Wayne and Duane.  I told them all about how I didn’t look forward to driving the van across the country…especially with the fat bass player that agreed to fill in.  By the second half of the game I was relieved to find out that he’s not the “real deal”.  He backed out.  Matt contacted a fellow named Dave that he had played with before and he was in.  Talk about short notice!  Who’s talking about it?  Anyway, by the time we got to Kelly’s house the game wasn’t worth watching.  The Ravens won.  This is the lowest point in the NFL since I’ve been concerned.  It took Kelly forever to say goodbye to his hot girlfriend.  By midnight the 5 of us were in the van and on the road.  Dave should be a stand up comedian.  Many a story were told.  After I had been driving for about 14 hours Dave made me let Kelly drive.  The van still slid all over the icy Wisconsin road.  I felt I should’ve continued driving but instead I slept not expecting to wake up alive…I didn’t expect to wake up dead either…In Fargo we ate at the “Wild Taco”.  I was blamed for any foul odor up to that point because I had beef jerky.  The nickname “Rocket Man” didn’t last long.  The last couple hours were tough.  It felt like a week.  I woke up as we pulled into 4 Bears Casino.

WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 14^TH 2001

Back to work!  I am definitely not interested enough in Tom’s “gigs” to quit my framing job.  Yesterday Josh and I were supposed to meet with that prickle head but he canceled.  I went to The Sutler to see Josh’s girlfriend, Robin, sing.  By coincidence Dave, the bass player I had spent every day with for the past two weeks, was there to see his friend Dan, the guitar player that was too awesome to play with us, play with another act.  I envied all the acts playing original music that night.  FUCK cover songs!!!  FUCK money!!!  The only reason Tom exists in this book is money.  Of course I don’t find that to be too healthy.  Anyway, Ross was supposed to be here tonight when I got back from framing but he is stuck in Chicago without his medicine.  That is bad news.  Brad had the highest ranking in his Marine training thing.  He tells people what to do now I guess.  Oh, I’ve stopped being retarded about Joani.  I didn’t try to…it just happened.  I guess it’s because I am constantly thinking about what the hell I’m going to do when I tell Matt to shove his music business.  I also think about the way Ashley looked when she watched me play drums at “Graham Central” a few weeks back.

FRIDAY FEBRUARY 16^TH 2001

I have a date with Ashley tomorrow night!  Just as friends of course.  I’ve got somewhat of a handle on my negative attitude about the music business.  I should get as many experiences out of it as I can until it makes me crazy.  Ross is here.  I’m setting things up so we can record stuff.  I wish I had it done already.  It’s hard to find time.  I closed shop tonight…I open in 7 hours.

SATURDAY FEBRUARY 17^TH 2001

Tonight I went to “Goten” with Ashley, Gigi and her fiancé, Ross and Heather and others.  I offered to pay for Ashley being that she was my pretend “date” but luckily we got separate checks.  There is nothing there…so nothing needs to be said.  I took frame orders all day.  Madness!  I look forward to working with Norah tomorrow.  She’s a very cool Canadian lady!  I don’t think I’m ever going to see Joani again.  She rarely works.   Ross is coughing up a lung…or a kidney in the other room.  I shouldn’t joke, he’s really sick.  I finished Ender’s Shadow tonight.  Unexpected bouts of crying.  No I didn’t cry.  Bean did.  Good book…corny ending.  I’ll never find time to write all about North Dakota so here it is:  Indian reservation = casino = drunk old Indians gambling = no one pays attention = what’s the point?  Two free meals a day!  Josh the alarm clock.  Kelly the chump cheating on his hot girlfriend.  Tom the prickle head making Matt confiscate the van keys because we drove to a music store without asking.  My near decision to sell the van and go back to school.  My decision not to stay the two extra weeks to avoid a fight.  Sleeping on the floor at Zandra’s, a lady we met at a bar, when we had no place to stay.  Shitty gig!

SUNDAY FEBRUARY 18^TH 2001

Dad’s favorite Nascar driver died in a crash today.  Dale Earnhardt.  Shit.  I don’t feel like writing.  I worked all day.  There were so many orders I only had time to frame one thing.  I went to practice drums after work and I couldn’t believe what I found.  My kit, rearranged and retuned!  I’m assuming Matt auditioned a new drummer.  I nearly packed ‘em up but I still have to record Ross’ songs.  Cody hung out tonight.  He’s funny.  How good of a friend is Newbold?

MONDAY FEBRUARY 19^TH 2001

Dear Diary…Is it possible to ask a girl out, have her say “yes” and get rejected at the same time?  It sure is!  I got my framing certificate today!  I didn’t pick out very cool matting but it should look okay.  My raise was only  $1.00!  Anyway, this is what happened:  Even though I was as nervous as could be, I asked Joani to go see a movie with me on Wednesday night.  She said okay and I got her number.  Before I had a chance to get nervous about going on a date, she graciously told me that she is not interested in dating at this point in her life.  I hope she goes.  She’s so wonderful.  I was in a great mood when I went grocery shopping with Ross and Heather tonight.  It’s just good to know that I don’t have to wonder about Joani anymore.  People have told me I look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo before and my hair is to the point where it is starting up again.

TUESDAY FEBRUARY 20^TH 2001

Well that’s about it for the band.  I’m officially out…and I’m not too upset.  I’ll miss the van.  I slept until afternoon then spent the entire day helping Ross record a song on my VS1680.  I left a message for Joani to call me and was surprised that I was nervous.  I guess it’s because I want her to like me…and I know she doesn’t want a boyfriend…and I don’t know what in the hell I’m talking about!  Pretty girl = me nervous.  I went with Newbold to see a shitty blues band in a shitty bar on Murfreesboro Road.  If I hadn’t asked about the new drummer I probably wouldn’t know that I’m out.  So is everyone else.  I’m letting his new band use my set to rehearse with.  It’s pretty funny actually.  Actually I’m probably just trying to hide my anger.  New Dave Matthews Band this week!

WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 21^ST 2001

Joani canceled and I’m glad.  “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” was really cool but I doubt it would’ve been worth missing church or losing sleep before class.  Maybe we’ll do something another, more convenient time.  I framed all day.  I’d like to mention David Eller more often and the respect I have for him but I probably won’t.  Ross was wired this evening.  He’s pretty out of it.  I got Valentines candy from mom a week late.  Better late than diarrhea.  What’s next?

THURSDAY FEBRUARY 22^ND 2001

A day indoors.  My plan was to put drums to 3 of Ross’ songs but Matt’s band was using my drums again.  I called Kelly to see if he knew about the lack of a band.  He didn’t.  Nice.  He said nice things about my drumming but I still want to steal his girlfriend.  I helped Ross put 2 more songs on my VS1680 then Erik and some dude came over with guitars.  Erik left the dude without a ride so I took him to the rehearsal space where we rocked out for a bit then I took him home.  He wasn’t too good but I had a better time jamming tonight than any time playing there with Matt.

FRIDAY FEBRUARY 23^RD 2001

More music enjoyment!  When I got home from a long day of framing there was a message from Josh inviting me over to jam.  I took my new sticks and made some loud noise.  I left at midnight because tomorrow I open at 9am and close at 9pm!  I look forward to playing more with Josh before I move.  Good times!

SATURDAY FEBRUARY 24^TH 2001

My alarm was set for 7:55am.  It wasn’t until 9:07am that I realized what it was.  At noon I came home and slept for two hours.  This time when the alarm went off I thought it was my Dream Theater T-shirt and I couldn’t figure out why it was making such a sound.  Ross’ friend Spirit is in town from Memphis so Heather called me at work and asked me to meet them at Krispy Kreme when I got off.  I got there first.  The only other people there were Joani and her parents!  We chatted for a bit.  I learned that they live in the same small town in Michigan that Grandma and I went to last summer to set up the Frutiger Family Reunion that is to take place at El Rancho Stevens in July.  What is fate telling me?  Nothing!  It’s just making it hard to think of things other than how to approach the future.  Newbold invited me over to Marty’s to watch “Scary Movie”.  I was curious to see if he would admit to his shittiness but he just got shittier.  The ONLY reason I left my drums set up is so I can record Ross’ stuff tomorrow and Tuesday.  Well Matt’s gay band will be in there all day on those days.  So now my drums are in my room here.  Heather went with me to get them in the heaviest downpour in years.  She is upset with Ross and his friends smoking up the apartment.  I haven’t had a real talk with Ross since he’s been here.  Actually, the real Ross isn’t here.  He is behaving very oddly.  I hope the kidney transplant allows him to rationalize again.

SUNDAY FEBRUARY 25^TH 2001

Oh the beautiful, beautiful SUN!  I just couldn’t stay inside and set up my drums.  It felt like summer!  I headed out to get a haircut.  When I got back I had the same amount of hair and 7 new Star Wars dudes!  I went into OfficeMax and talked to Mr. Swanger.  He and Mrs. Smith intended to respond to my Montana letters but, of course, didn’t.  By the way, not a day goes by where I don’t think, at least for a second, what it would be like to run into Nicole.  Would she recognize me?  Would I recognize her?  The reason I haven’t written this before is because it is insane!  So, I got some toys, ate lunch out in the courtyard and began to set up my drums as a bunch of Ross’ pot head friends irritated Heather.  Cody and Amber came over for a bit.  They’re pregnant!  Well she is.

MONDAY FEBRUARY 26^TH 2001

Somebody left the store angry with me today.  It was only a customer.  A shitty, shitty customer whose frames weren’t ready.  “But you’ve had them for two weeks!”  We’ve had many orders for two weeks.  “But I took off work to get them and I never get off work!”  Congratulations but you can pick up your frames anytime after you are called.  I apologized once which I let it be known I thought was more than enough.  “Get a manager!”  Anyway, Joani helped me fit the order quickly so the lady would be serviced.  I like Joani.  “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.”  I plan to record Ross’ songs tomorrow.  I have to get the key from Matt because he changed the lock to the rehearsal room.  Wonder why?  Brad wrote me an email the other day.  He’s blowing things up and getting screamed at.  I plan on driving out to San Diego with Chris soon.  Only to visit?  I plan on going to Toledo next weekend.

TUESDAY FEBRUARY 27^TH 2001

Day off…but I went in anyway.  I knew they needed help and I was in the area to buy the new Dave Matthews Band CD.  I’ve only listened briefly but I like what I’ve heard.  I drove back and forth across Nashville all day.  I got the key from Matt then I had to go back to get the mic cables.  Nothing has been recorded.

January 2001

MONDAY JANUARY 1^ST 2001

Nice snowy day.  I went with Heather to her family’s house at 10am where I watched college bowl games and ate till I was full.  I don’t like black peas.  Heather rented some movies and it was dark by the time we got back to the apartment.  I figured out the tempos to half of the songs we’re learning then Matt called with the latest.  He’s moving in with Marty and our first real rehearsal is tomorrow.  Will it be the beginning of something good or the end?  I will know soon.  What else can I foreshadow?  Money!  $542 goes out tomorrow.  I don’t even have my real checks yet!  What a normal life I lead.  I am a leader!

TUESDAY JANUARY 2^ND 2001

I am so irresponsible!  I suck!  I forgot to set my alarm last night!  3 and a half hours late!  Luckily there wasn’t much to do so it didn’t matter but still.  It didn’t help that my dreams made me think it was Wednesday and that I didn’t have to be to work.  Kelly and Jay were no shows for tonight’s rehearsal.  I think Kelly is out of town but Jay?  We will probably have to find a new bass player anyway.  He’s too busy.  Josh was there and responsible as always.  He communicates well.  I really hope he maintains the interest.  I really hope there is a full band tomorrow.  Matt and I ate Heather’s spaghetti as we wrote letters to Brad.

FRIDAY JANUARY 5^TH 2001

On Wednesday I drove around with Matt all day taking care of business.  I’m still sore from lifting at the YMCA.  Wednesday night we practiced without a bass player yet again.  Josh and I jammed today.  It was a good time.  Tonight I went with Heather to her brother’s Homecoming court basketball game.  Pretty girls.  Who’s 23 years old?

SATURDAY JANUARY 6^TH 2001

I like Joani.  I am happy when I see her.  She never talks about her boyfriend.  Hmmm?  Noon practice.  New bass player…as busy as any other…but damn he was good.  I hope I didn’t discourage him with my lack of soul.  I’m doing an alright job pretending that I enjoy the music we are doing.  Matt, Marty and I watched an amazing typical band at Opryland.

SUNDAY JANUARY 7^TH 2001

LONG DAY!  I was the first one at the rehearsal space at noon.  When Josh didn’t show, Matt, Kelly and I went to a sports bar and watched the second half of the Titans terrible playoff LOSS!  I’m a Raiders fan all of a sudden.  Josh had overslept.  By 5pm practice was underway.  I did a bad job pretending today.  We’re almost done learning the old crap.  The new crap should be a new experience that I pretend to look forward to.  I have dozens of things I’d like to write about but I’m not going to.  Every entry since Montana has been a disgrace!

TUESDAY JANUARY 9^TH 2001

I like to cut mats…a lot!  David gave me mock orders for mat cuts and I’d do ‘em and it was cool!  I should be certified by Friday.  My camera broke!  DARN IT!  Yesterday I had an appointment to meet with a “professional” drummer dude but he cancelled.  Oh well!  Yet another bass player tomorrow.  Hot girls everywhere…so alone.  I almost ended the entry like that but that would’ve been too pathetic.  Bean just arrived at Battle School.  I like to read.  Yesterday I went to practice drums but instead I went deaf listening to “Scenes from a Memory” through the new PA.  I like good music.  Heather did an amazing job making a cover for my “Change of Seasons” CD this evening.  I like playing with photos.

FRIDAY JANUARY 12^TH 2001

I’ve been working and practicing constantly.  I finished my framing certification test today.  I hope I get a raise soon.  The North Dakota gig is coming up quick.  January 30^th!  I pray my van is up for it.  We also have another “Graham Central Station” show before we go so we can be judged again.  I wouldn’t classify myself as an impressive “pocket” player just yet.

SATURDAY JANUARY 13^TH 2001

Whew! Practice was decent today.  Work was a madhouse.  Everything is on schedule for the big trip…except a damn bass player!  We all gave the last dude a thumbs down.  We hope to be traveling under the name “Bad Astro”…if Tom allows it.  Ashley was over this evening.  She made spaghetti.  I got my checks.

MONDAY JANUARY 15^TH 2001

Sunday was spent in the rehearsal room.  Another bass player flop.  He was really good and interested and short but he wasn’t willing to travel!  I worked from noon to nine today.  I probably shouldn’t say anything but I’m planning on asking Joani out.  She is single.  I know this because I was talking to Matt the assistant manager and he said “Joani needs a boyfriend…hint, hint.”  I wonder if she has expressed an interest in me to him?  He didn’t know that I like her…but I do.  I may ask her to come to the “Graham Central Station” gig but then again…we may not be too impressive.  Oh, I have a sinus infection damn it!  Oh, the Raiders lost damn it!  I am a NY Giants fan all of a sudden.  I really don’t want the Ravens to win the Super Bowl.

TUESDAY JANUARY 16^TH 2001

My cabeza!  It’s feeling better now but all day was a painful drag.  I nearly called off work but I can’t afford to.  David and Rhonda sure are characters.  Lisa says I “play too much” while Ashley says that I act older than I am.  I told that to Lisa and she said “You seem mature until you open your mouth.”  It all matters not.  Heather is stressing out about her decision to move to New York to be with Ross.  She’s afraid that her mom might explode.  I have no answers only a question:  How old is Heather?  She’ll be 22 this year.  I think her mom needs to come to terms.  I just thought of something I wanted to write about but I forgot what it was.  Hmmm?  I wrote to Matt and Kevin tonight.  That’s not it.  I’m just about halfway through the book and it’s slow but satisfying.  Hmmm?  I can’t think of it.  Damn!  I didn’t eat well today.  Hard to swallow.  That’s IT!  I don’t like taking medication.  I feel like I’m disrespecting my immune system.  I have a sense of pride now that the symptoms are decreasing.  I am that much more strong.  Way to go fellas.  I’m disrespecting all of my systems by not eating right.

WEDNESDAY JANUARY 17^TH 2001

Late for work…forgot to set the alarm!  Miserable, irritating customers filled my day with the opposite of joy.  Enough about that.  Ashley was here when I returned from going off on my drums.  It’s fine with me if she sees me as just a friend but if she sees more, and I am suspicious, then let it be!  What about Joani?  I will ask her out.  This is turning into a girly diary isn’t it?  Sorry.  I will try not to write about Ashley anymore but I’m so used to it.

THURSDAY JANUARY 18^TH 2001

Day off.  The rain helped me cancel all outdoor responsibilities.  I did my laundry.  I played with photos.  I listened to Dream Theater.  I learned the songs we were supposed to play tonight but we didn’t because we auditioned a fat bass player who turned us down because we “aren’t the real deal yet.”  Thanks.  Spaghetti and Vernors at Marty’s.

FRIDAY JANUARY 19^TH 2001

Darn it all!  I am pathetic!  I do not know how to let someone know that I like them…let alone ask them out!  Joani told me that she broke up with her boyfriend and I was speechless.  It would have been tacky to ask her out right after she tells me she’s single wouldn’t it?  Here is part of my problem:  I don’t like being typical.  I want a unique story.  I thought of many unique ways to ask her out while I was alone in the frame shop but I also want to be spontaneous.  I’ve thought about it too much.  Anyway, I mentioned that she’s complicated.  I want to know her better.  Her complications seem compatible with mine.  Here’s another reason it’s difficult for me to ask girls out:  I think about it so much that I feel like a crazy person and anything verbal would just make it known that I’m weird.  But couldn’t that also be flattering?  I lack no confidence in my present situation so I’m glad that I get to find out what other excuses I make.  I actually had fun at practice today!  Nathaniel is our bass player as far as I’m concerned.  Oh, Tom is a prickle head.  I guess he yelled at Matt because I haven’t had drum lessons yet.  I have appointments for Monday and Tuesday.  I hope I can be typical enough for him.  I really do so he’ll get off my case and I can play like a madman.  Oh!  My attempt at asking Joani to come to the “Graham Central” show was sad.  I actually told her NOT to come because we wouldn’t be entertaining.  I guess I was hoping she would want to go anyway but she said she’ll come see us when we’re good.  Maybe that’s a good thing.  Ashley and Heather insist on coming to the show.  Josh doesn’t want to do it.  He, like me, wants to be proud of the act first.  My VS1680 is gathering dust in the corner.  It is snowy outside.  The Tennessee drivers are crashing all over because they are too careful (paranoid).  I don’t know how I feel about this journal turning into a diary.

SATURDAY JANUARY 20^TH 2001

Did I say that I am pathetic?  Well, I was right!  DAMN ME!!!  Okay, enough abuse.  Worked till 3pm, came home, thought about what I should do about Joani if anything then Ross called and persuaded me to go back to Michael’s and do my part.  My knees were weak as I stared at the paint thinking of a way to let her know that I like her.  I decided to just talk to her and hope it would come up.  It didn’t.  In fact I am pretty sure she has lost interest if she ever had any.  I am good at creating and maintaining awkward silence.  I sped home in a fit then went with Matt to a writer’s night.  Much laughter was directed at my ability to make a girl realize I am pathetic.  I think I would actually crumble if I ever asked a girl out.  Sure everything I could have said came to me later.  I seriously wanted to cry.  My face is filled with goo…

MONDAY JANUARY 22^ND 2001

…Because my cold won’t quite go away.  Can’t stop coughing!  Yesterday was really good.  Nathaniel is really good…but he can’t go to North Dakota with us!  We will play with yet another bass player on Wednesday.  Will we be ready?  I doubt it.  Be positive?  HEY!  Wouldn’t it be nice if I stopped being stupid about females?  Who would I be?  Me.  I don’t know him very well because he’s constantly thinking of what he should do or should’ve done…not what he is doing.  Thanks Yoda!

WEDNESDAY JANUARY 24^TH 2001

Still coughing!  Only at night.  I hope it doesn’t wake Heather up.  Well, I am not looking forward to playing out this weekend.  New bass player today was cool but we are FAR from tight.  I met with the “professional” drummer yesterday.  He showed me some things I need to work on.  He was nice.  I’ll know soon if I have enough “pocket”.

SATURDAY JANUARY 27^TH 2001

Heather just reminded me that I failed to ask Joani to come to the show tonight.  I kick myself.  On Thursday we practiced ALL day.  The new bass player learned all the songs but we still weren’t close to tight.  I wasn’t nervous about judgment night because I chose not to think about it but after work on Friday it got worse.  Bass player canceled.  Bronchitis.  It actually turned out for the better.  We got one of the other bassists we tried out to fill in.  Mark…really good…really short…can’t travel.  He was great!  Tonight we do the same only Tom won’t be studying us.  He seemed to accept my not quite perfect drumming.  He said we were 80% better.  He doesn’t approve of Kelly at all.  He’s trying to get us two more weeks out west but Kelly can’t stay away that long.  That’s why Tom doesn’t like him. Anyway, Josh impressed…so we leave tomorrow.  Little Mark can’t go…Kelly can’t make all the dates…I could use the extra $900.  If I thought about my money situation I would probably stress.